So I thought that I should say this at least for the ten or so people that care and they don't have to think that I'm dead (I'm still around tbh, but mostly on the forums).

Why am I taking a break?

Because I haven't had a proper one in ten or so years and because it's not fun anymore. I'm struggling to draw something even if I'm overflowing with ideas. I open a new canvas, fill it with references, inspiration, start sketching and then at one point I lose it...I don't enjoy doing it anymore. It's like going through empty motions at this point. It's been like this for the past three years.

I've always been a person that can't keep doing the same thing for an extended period of time. Ever since childhood I've been flip flopping around all kinds of crafts (beading, crocheting, felting, drawing you name it), so it's a fucking miracle that I was able to draw consistently for so long. I started my online presence with writing fanfiction and even that I fell off at one point for a couple of years and now when I've been back into it for two years it's super fun again. It feels like I'm learning something new, exploring new horizons. 

I'm not quitting by any means, I've never fully quit anything crafty I've done in the past. It might have taken me years or even a decade, but I eventually came back and started doing it again. Of course drawing is one of my top things I love doing and I doubt it's going to take me a decade to find some fun in it again.

I just feel like this skill in the long run doesn't matter that much. I'm not good or consistent enough to build a career around it (most of the time when I have to think about it I feel like I might end up just straight up hating drawing), I don't have that fiery passion everyone seems to have (I'm just that bitter bitch with a lot of inner aggression) and I have changed as a person. If I'm being completely honest then drawing for a couple of years was a coping mechanism for me. I lost myself in all these fictional worlds just so I wouldn't have to think about the real one (dysthymia is a fucking bitch). Now when I don't need that coping anymore I don't need these fictional worlds as much. I've legitimately found fun in picking apart social structures in my free time and figuring out why they were created in the first place (picking apart Laveyan satanism was a joy). Or in general learning psychology and learning about severe mental illnesses and mental health clinics (Dr. Ramani is amazing and you should check out her interviews about BPD and narcisism).

That being said I'll still probably post some MMD models pretty soon. Editing has been pretty fun and a nice pastime as well.

_{Watch me post a new drawing a week later after this though I have a feeling that this might stay for a while.}

I was tagged by the lovely SilvaRainshow Haven't gotten a tag in a long time, so I though it would be fun to do.

Rules

• Write the rules in your journal entry if you are tagged.
• Write 13 things about yourself.
• Answer 13 questions made by the person who tagged you, and make your own 13 questions.
• Tag 13 deviants. Make sure they know they are tagged.
• Don't say "You're tagged if you read this".
• It is forbidden not to tag anyone.
• No tagging back.

13 Things about me

1. Lately I've been obsessed with paranormal stuff, like anything that's related to it. I like to read books, see shows that have elements of it etc.
2. I really like the apocalypse, post-apocalypse, western, pirate aesthetics.
3. A couple days back I found a folder in my musics folder with odd array of songs. I proceeded to cringe 'cause those were some of the songs I liked when I was 14. imagine a lot of dumb pop music, Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, Beyonce, Cascada, Katy Perry, you get the gist. I can't believe I liked such crap. Although some of those songs and artists still have stayed with me like Lady Gaga and Bowling for Soup.
4. I absolutely have no clue what I am doing with my life. I want to achieve something, but I've yet to find what that something is.
5. I don't like kids. I'm generally a patient person, but when it comes to little brats I lose it fast. It's one of the reasons I've decided that I'll probably never have kids of my own. I don't possess a mother's instinct, plus I know that as a person I'm not suitable to be around children.
6. Usually people that first meet me think that I'm shy and quiet. While I am a reserved person I can be a huge asshole and loud as fuck. If I don't like someone I'm going to tell them that to their face and if they do something stupid I'm not going to hold back my comments about it.
7. I hate liars with a bloody passion. Lie to my face and I'm going to stab you with a fork. Don't fuck with me.
8. I'm not good with emotions. I'm really more of that person you would come to if you needed logical advice not comfort. Then again people in general tend to avoid me, so no one really comes to me for anything other than my friend and her family.
9. I've only once experienced true rage. It's a long story actually, but to make it short - the person who was on the other end of my rage never showed his face near me again.
10. By now I probably sound like a raging asshole, but I'm really not. I'm a mellow and kind person. If someone comes to me asking for help I'll help them, even when I probably shouldn't.
11. Adding to the kids portion. Even more than kids I hate teenagers. Partially because when I was one I was stuck in my own personal hell of depression, paranoia and self esteem issues. The bigger part is because of the idiocy. Whenever I have to face teenage drama I'm reminded again why I like to stay away from people. This is also a huge reason why some of the tv shows I've tried watching (and have been hyped for) I dropped. Like I really wanted to watch Bates Motel, but the teenage stupidity turned me away. For some god awful reason I also tried watching Pretty Little Liars, but all of the characters were so unlikable that I simply couldn't watch it. 13 Reasons Why also looked interesting at first, but once again the main character was so unlikable and the girl was such an idiot that I simply couldn't watch it.
12. I actually live in a remote area. Like, people who say that they live in buttfuck nowhere don't know what they are talking about. Closest city is a 40 minute drive away and the closest store is 5 km away. We have neighbors, but we're far enough from each other that we can practically walk through our yards naked and no one would know. Also if it wasn't for the road my home would practically be on a island.
13. I can actually count the times I've had a nap on one hand. As far as I can remember myself I've always had trouble sleeping in the day. Like in kindergarten I was the teachers least favourite 'cause I would never sleep my afternoon nap. By the end of it they didn't even make me go to sleep and let me quietly play alone.

Questions for me

What´s your first uploaded Drawing on Deviantart?
This one. It's the first drawing I ever drew on the computer free handed. It's not the first deviation I uploaded (I was a shitposter at the very beginning, I'm afraid), but at least it's something.

There are 3 doors in front of you and you have to enter one, behind the first one a war is going on, behind the second door a murderer is waiting for you and behind the third is a lion who didn´t eat for a year, which one do enter? (Decide quickly)
The second door 'cause I can at least tackle the murderer and do something then. Good luck doing that to a war and a fuckin' lion.

Who´s your fictional crush?
I don't really crush on fictional characters, I hardly have crushes on real people, but the one character that has managed to hold my interest for over a year (that's a huge record ever since Blossom, who has been my favourite character ever since childhood) is Madara Uchiha from Naruto. I really, really like villains and Madara has proved to be a really engaging one. You could even push it and say that he was an anti-villain. There's just so much to his character that I could write a frickin' essay on it... (and name. Here Madara is a female name. A couple upperclassmen even thought that my name was Madara and proceeded to call me that, so it was kind of weird at first to disconnect Madara Uchiha from all of that. Like we even have a male variation of the name, but nope, he has to have the female one )

Extrovert or Introvert?
Introvert.

Can you describe yourself with 5 words only?
Eh, I'm not good with these things.

What´s your Dream Job?
I don't even know what I really want in life, knowing what job I would want is a dream of itself.

What´s your favourite Tv Show?
Ehmm...I don't really have a absolute favourite per say, but Blood Drive is pretty interesting, apart from the needless scenes with the black guy. iZombie is fun and recently I also started watching Wynonna Earp. Of course me being a paranormal nut I like Supernatural and Lucifer as well.

Is the glass half full or half empty?
Depends. If you pour a liquid in a glass and stop halfway the glass is half full, but if you drink from it and stop halfway it's half empty.

Tea or Coffee?
Tea. I don't drink coffee.

Which of your Oc´s has the most dramatic past?
All of my oc's are mostly just designs with an intended story for them, that's it. I can never get invested enough to create something original all the way. It's the reason why I like doing fanart and fanfiction.

What´s your favourite number?
Possibly 7.

What´s your favourite song?
I like a lot of songs, so it's hard to choose, but some time ago I did decide that my favourite song for these kind of questions is Hear Me Now by Hollywood Undead. My passing favourite song currently is Zombie by The Pretty Reckless.

And I tag no one. Fuck the rules.

It really means a lot. Thanks to all 125 who wished me a great birthday, to those who gave me cake badges or points. I usually reply to those comments, but I've grown tired of spamming.

I've never imagined that I would get this far in dA, improve my drawings and have really nice followers. I'm serious, you guys are the best. I've heard all kinds of things were people have been pushed away from dA because of trolls or haters. In all my time here I've never gotten haters or trolls, so it came a little bit as a surprise that there are other people getting smouldered by them. I'm just glad that I've apparently gotten the best side of the site and was able to meet all kinds of people and have conversations with them. There are still people who follow me from the very beginning, I know who you are, I remember your names, even though some of you don't comment on anything. But, damn, that's some dedication. It's nice to know that there are people who'll like my work no matter what it is and that's the best part really.
Another thing is the amount of nice comments I've gotten. Some time at the start of the year I even started collecting those comments that especially made my day, so thank you to these people again

and this isn't even the burnt of it. I've seen artists complain that they don't get enough comments or get comments that are only one word. I can't complain 'cause obviously my comment sections can be as diverse as my art

Lately I haven't been posting as much art as I used to. It's sad, but I simply don't feel the spark anymore. I've been drawing non-stop for years and now I can say that I've grown tired or simply lack the patience. It doesn't mean that I hate drawing now. No. It just means that, me being a diverse person, I have found other things to indulge in more seriously. I've always been a crafty person, an artistic soul. I have done all kinds of crafts back in the day, worked with all kinds of materials, played musical instruments. Nowadays I still sing in a choir, draw every now and then, write and crochet.
Six years ago I even considered to go to school to learn design, but didn't 'cause of the intimidating entry exams and such. In the end I studied to be an IT specialist and just a few days ago graduated college and can say that I'm a logistics specialist now as well. So, now I'm going to search for a job, a place to live and try to decide what I want to study further, so I can get myself a bachelor's degree. My drawing productivity might cut back even more, I don't know at the moment, but anything could happen.

Also I looked back and noticed that I had been drawing something for my birthday ever since 2012, like a present for myself. This year I decided to do something different, this year I wrote a story for myself. It's pure crack, it's for a fandom that I've recently gotten into, but damn did I have a lot of fun writing it. So, if you're interested in Naruto crack, interested in what I can do you can check it out. It's called Evil Knockin' at My Door and it's still ongoing.
Writing has been something that has taken some of the time I used to spend on drawings. It's something I decided to get back into 'cause, like any other creative person, I have ideas brewing up in my head, ideas that I want to share and put down.
I've been accused as being lazy or something else, but the thing is I never stop, I always have some idea or other going through my mind, something that I would want to realize and I do. I put them down, make preparations for them, I always do something, if I don't I get restless. I like to try new things, I like to challenge myself, I like adventure, exploring. I'm a curious person by nature.

So, really, thanks to everyone who has been supporting me all throughout these years, supported me and my weird quirks.

Rules:

↳ You have to post ALL rules!
↳ Each person has to share 13 things about themselves. (First time I'm going to actually do it.)
↳ Answer the 13 questions asked to you and invent 13 questions for tagged people to answer.
↳ Choose 13 people.
↳ You legitimately have to tag 13 people!
↳ You can't say that you "don't do tags".
↳ Tag-backs are allowed!
↳ You must do the journal entry! No comments!
↳ Be creative with the journal title. You can't mention that you've been tagged in the title!

Tagged by Abbycat2016

13 things about me:

1. Sometimes I feel like I could take on the world, but most of the times I feel like a social retard.
2. I'm losing my purpose in life.
3. In real life I'm a loser, I still sometimes feel like a loser online as well.
4. I laugh when watching horror movies.
5. Sometimes I feel like my course mates look down on me because I don't have a job and still live with my parents, even though I'm not the only one in such a situation.
6. If I was more of an emotional and drastic person I probably would have killed myself years ago.
7. I was that angsty emo teenager that cried in the corner.
8. I'm terrified of water depth. Ironically enough I live all around water and multiple times in my dreams I've had to swim across the lake, which I did despite feeling panic.
9. Speaking about dreams...I hate when I'm made out to be the hero in them, especially when there's a two headed, rotten, green goo skeleton that likes to eat children and I'm on the special team that has to stop that monster.
10. I'm an irregular eater. I forget to eat a lot during the afternoon and only remember late at night. If I was living alone I probably would be half starving all the time or survive on snacks 'cause I'm too lazy to make food.
11. I crochet a lot and people keep telling me that I should either sell my work or crochet something specific for them. I have to tell everyone again and again that I do it only because I like fiddling with my hands and I like to look at my own work.
12. I curse a lot. It's easy to do when you have the arsenal of curses from three languages.
13. I'm super conscious about my art, so in real life there are only specific few people who get to see it.

Questions for me:

1.What is your favorite color?
Black.

2.What is your star sign?
Gemini.

3.What is your favorite animal?
I don't have one.

4. What is your favorite pass time?
Either drawing, reading, crocheting, watching something or any combo of the previously mentioned.

5. What is your favorite food?
I like ice cream.

6. Do you like Cats?
Meh, have enough of them to sometimes feel disgusted by their antics, but I'm neutral about them.

7. what is your favorite season?
Summer.

8. If you were a fruit, what fruit would you be and why?
Banana. Because banana.

9. Are you right or left handed? or both?
Both. I'm generally mixed handed.

10. Do you have any pets?
Currently we have 3 ducks and if I counted right 12 cats, but who knows how many will survive the winter.

11. Do you play any instruments?
I can still brokenly play the piano. I used to play the cello and bass guitar for a short while.

12. Do you have any siblings?
Yes, I have a younger brother.

13. What was the last song you had stuck in your head?
Pretty Little Psycho.

And I tag no one 'cause I can.